Reminiscing You
by Zahraaa
Summary: Lucinda reminisces the past of him in her life. She felt hurt and regret about what she did; she felt that she shouldn't have let go of the one thing that made her at her happiest yet insanest at the same time.
1. Chapter 1

It had been a year since we had a proper conversation together(then again, we barely talk. Even now). Heck, it felt like ages ago until recently, when he started doing things that made me think back of all the moments we had together. Not to mention, those joyous laughs and those smiles that just reach to your eyes just stayed as a memory in my mind. Were they signs...or mixed signals? Sometimes, you got to be clear about things but in these kind of things, you can't always be bold and courageous about what your gut has to say. You can get hurt easily, or maybe just die in an instant for just one word or maybe one thing, like a bullet being shot straight to your heart. The most painful part of it all is the person pulling the trigger. Love hurts – there's no doubt about it.

There were times that I regretted for letting go. Regretted for not holding on to you long enough to just be by your side. I suck – that's all I can say. At the time, I thought it was for our own good – for our own future. "If we were meant to be, we will be together. Somehow or rather, we will end up together", I kept telling myself to comfort my aching soul, wanting something that I had somehow "lost". Well, it did help but it never actually did get glued in my mind long enough for me to comprehend.

After all that, I swore that I wouldn't go back to those times where I tortured myself to forget, to just smile like nothing happened and feeling as if you had died over and over again. If only I could just shout out everything that's been repeating in my mind – to shout out every single word and memory that drives you to your very end of your sanity, to be released out in the open and to feel free. It might feel like heaven on earth. Imagine, being able to express everything that you've been keeping on the inside to yourself for all this time to just anyone, openly.

Thinking back of all those times, tears streamed down my cheeks almost every night especially on those early days after that particular day. Partly, it was my fault. Actually, it **was** my fault. I shouldn't have done it. To think back to those times and to think that I created that mess. Yes, it's my mess. I've dealt with all kinds of mess but never have I came up with any solution to actually deal with this. A solution to actually soothe my messed up mind from all this chaos, to actually make everything up to him for all the shit things I've done to him.

Bottom line is: _I miss him_. A lot.

Even the moments I hear the sound his voice, it aches me to even think for a moment that we might have a chance to turn things around and maybe...just maybe, be like we were? That thought just keeps on screaming in my mind, repeatedly. That is the thought that will never leave me alone until I get that one thing that can make me feel somehow at peace. Well, two things, to be exact – one, some closure to all this sorrow and possibly an answer to all of these mixed feelings. Honestly, this is the one thing that can make you completely insane, yet, so sane at the same time. Is this what people call "love"?

Damn. I just love that smile of his and the way he laughs that makes me feel so giddy in the inside. I just want to see it all the time and cherish every moment I spend just seeing him smile. Every time I see him upset, it just tears me apart; knowing the fact that I can't do anything about it. All in all, that sucks an all time low. We are nothing to each other. I am nothing to him.

About a few months after that day, I still remember seeing him talking to a girl...and the look he gave her just killed me on the inside out. It was that exact same look that I see when..you know. That made me so determined to just forget everything, to put everything aside and to accept the fact that you moved on. I have to admit, I got kind of jealous. Yes, I **was** jealous. After another few months after that, I heard that you were seeing someone. Wonder what I was feeling? Just take a wild guess! By that time, I thought that everything I felt was over, gone, zilch. But somehow or rather, deep down, I still felt something. Although it wasn't that strong but I still felt something.

Those feelings somehow rekindled within me like a fire bursting into flames. It made it impossible to even extinguish it. Not even a fireman is brave enough to even face a fire that big to put it out. And that's me – A coward, unable to say that I still have feelings..even when I had every opportunity at my grasps. I just made them slip away, just like that. I never had the courage. I never had the guts.

What am I thinking? I'm just driving myself mad and this ain't good. But I must tell. I need that closure. I really, really need it.


	2. Chapter 2

Have you ever wondered how many times have I planned the moment to reconcile; to fix everything I did? But then, there's always something that makes me stop half-way and to just ignore my regrets; I guess it's the overwhelming fear of just telling you that I might still like you. Crazy shit, eh? There were times that I felt like slapping myself for just letting my walls come down so easily. This is probably the most cliché thing you've heard but yeah – wall were built and they're rock solid, almost indestructible.

Edward: the one name that is literally screaming in my mind. Not being able to voice out the one thing that you want to say to that one person is a murderer of any impulsive teenagers—including myself.

To tell or not to tell; that has somehow been the question screaming in my mind! But looking at how things are for you, I don't think it would be a good idea to spoil it for you. When I thought about it, we were impulsive and naive – we barely understood what everything meant. But if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have seen nor felt so much. You gave meaning to everything which made it extra special. No extravagant words could explain any of this "tragedy". But, this "tragedy" was sure hell a beautiful one! Yeah sure, there were times that made me mad and insane to the point of caring for you no matter what. All in all, you made me _human_.

If I told you my secret of what I truly am, I think you wouldn't dare to come near me. No, you'll run away and never come back to me. But either way, I cannot have you, no matter what. We're different; two completely different puzzle pieces that can never complete one another. I'm at a point of thinking that letting go seems to be the best option for both you and I. That way, I can't harm you nor can you hurt me. And I'm not going to drag you to my prison of hell... But even if I were to tell you of how damaged I am, I don't think you would take me in—No one would! And I don't blame them. Why choose from those that are already broken when you can find something of utter perfection?

Now, I can only see you from afar; standing there all perfectly with that gorgeous smile of yours; has anyone mentioned to you how breath-taking your smile is?—all perfectly curved, almost reaching your eyes. And those eyes... They're like a vortex of seduction, yet looking ever-so-innocent with those dark, brown eyes of yours. I remember how you would compliment how pretty I'd look and I'd deny it every single time. Knowing you'll never be mine kills me deep, deep down inside.

And again, I'm a coward, never to brave myself to the challenges facing me.

Nothing could make me forget you... Nothing could make me hate you... Nothing could make me endeavour the fact that you probably had forgotten about everything that we went through—and most importantly, me.

"_He's no match for you."_

"_Forget about him!"_

"_What are you to him?"_

"_You'll find another guy...it's just not him."_

"_C'mon now, there's no point in wasting your tears for the lot of him..."_

Some of the things I hear from my dear friends, but all of their words can never aspire me to completely forget him. Everytime I think I did, there he is—it's as if he haunts me in my thoughts, yet it comforts me to see his face—and I guess I'm still in love with him. Then again, I can never tell my friends how I really felt about things anymore. I lost trust in everything, which included myself. I felt as though I had lost all of my senses completely, along with my conscience. Where's the good in all of that?

I need to find my way back.

I need myself to be good again.


End file.
